Familiar places & faces.......

I have so many things on my mind right now, I don't even know where to start......

This past weekend I went to Manhattan, KS to visit some of my friends. It was really fun and I was really happy to see them; and although I was a little disappointed by some things that I didn't get to do, it was still the most fun I've had in a while. It made me think about coming back to familiar places. Before I went to Manhattan, I stopped at my parents house in my hometown. It was so amazing to me how after all the years of not living there, every time I drive into town, its almost as if I never left. It's so familiar and still the same......it's the place I wanted to get away from for so long, but I've realized that as many times as I've moved and ventured into the unknown, its nice to know that there's a place you can always go back to and you know it so well, its almost comforting.

Today I finally figured out a recurring dream I've been having......well, actually, a recurring character in a few dreams that I've had. An old friend that I just happen to run into. While it is this certain person, I've come to the conclusion that its actually about someone else I've been thinking about a lot lately. Some people come into your life and you make such a connection that you can hardly contain it. But, for some reason there's always something holding onto that connection and it won't let get past a certain point. I knew it probably wasn't healthy for me to hold onto this person, so we let each other go, but I can't help but wonder.........
I don't know, maybe now that I think I have it figured out, I won't dream about it anymore, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Untitled

Last month I had my 23rd birthday. That means that I've had 23 years of events, learning, interactions, and memories that make up who I am today. Some obvious, some not; but whether I want to remember it all, its still there. So, why is it that after all these years, I'm just now seeing myself and understanding who I am? Why am I just now falling into step with the rhythm of my being?

I don't know for sure, but I have some ideas. I think one problem for me was always worrying what others thought about me. In more ways than one. I majored in music because thats what was expected of me, I always longed to fit in with the "cool kids" in high school, and I've always been that girl that said "Oh, he'll change" when involved with a guy, not knowing that they never do; it was me that had to change. I had to stop taking care of them, and start caring for me. But in my struggle to fit in, I always felt like a stranger - the different one. I've always thought about others first, telling myself, "I'll figure it out later".

Well, I've finally figured it out. So, I've stopped studying music, stopped looking for guys to change, and stopped trying to fit in. This lead me to move to Oklahoma to finish school with a degree in interior design and I think its one of the best decisions I've made in a while. And I only took myself into consideration. I feel like now I can stand on my own two feet and realized my passion for interior design. Why deprive yourself of what you were made to do? I followed my heart and thats the best way of knowing - following you heart, your first instinct. I took a big risk and here I am............where are you?

Relationships: "On the surface" or deeper?

Lately I've thinking a lot about relationships. I find it amazing how many people can come into your life and change things, mix it up, and then either leave or stay, or just kind of put themselve into the fading of the background. One thing that amazes me is break ups. You spend so much time with one person, sharing things so intimate that its as if they see you naked; not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But then for some reason, you or your significant other, decide to put the clothes back on and leave. I'm a big believer of no contact after a break up. Its just easier that way, but its so strange that one day you can be so attached to someone and then the next its like you don't know each other and maybe you never even knew each other at all.

Another aspect of relationships I've been thinking about is almost the opposite of the above. I wait tables and I have three regular customers who know me by name, I know them by name and we talk about our lives. One of them is a gentleman who I know will come in between four and five on Tuesday and when he gets there, he'll get change for a dollar and sit in a corner booth and read the paper. Now, even though I know what he'll order, I'll still go ask and chat and get the scoop on what movies he's seen lately and what interesting things he's been reading in the paper and anything else that seems relevant at the time. I'll tell him about school, my car, just little bits of information. Its a very "on the surface" relationship. Not digging to deep, not to far into each others lives, but still having the comfortability and reassurance that when he sits down we can both count on each other. And while it still is just on the surface, I know that these little interactions and relationships are just as important as the big ones. Regardless the size or intimacy of a relationship, as long as its positive, human interaction can be one of the simplest (and maybe a little bit complex) forms of sanity.......think of who you appreciate and let them know. Hopefully, you won't take things for granted because you never know.............

Ahhhh, love.......

So, today is Valentines Day. It seems like such a selective holiday sometimes. Only out there for people with other people to love and spend time with, which is often misconcieved as just a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband, wife. This doesn't leave much to the single people like me, and usually I'm down on this day if I don't have anyone to spend it with. But then I realized that its not just for lovers.......its for mothers, fathers, your friends, anyone. Why not let everyone know how much you appreciate them. And last, but not least, the person I care about the most this year is me. My dear friend Chad once told me that I am one of those people that has to constantly be in a relationship. Always dependent on someone, never wanting to be lonely. I never thought this was true until I really started thinking about it and trying to come up with all the times I've been really, truly single over the past few years and I couldn't come up with much. This year its different. Me and my boyfriend just broke up, I work all the time, I go to school and I don't really have time for someone else - just me. Its really great to realize that I can stand on my own and I learn new things about myself everyday; some good, some bad, but its me and no one can change that. So, this year, I'm not going to pout becuase no ones taking me out or buying me a gift of love; I'm realizing that though it all, I'm the best Valentine I'll ever have.

Annabelle

Number 1

By inspiration from certain friends of mine, I have finally started a blog. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while.....it seems I have so much on my mind and I have no place to put it sometimes. For now I just want to get everyone up to speed on my life.

In the past 6 months I have:
-Moved to Oklahoma
-Discovered my independence while living alone in an unfamiliar place
-Lost one my very best friends
-Forgave myself
-Started school again knowing that its what I need and want to do
-Decided to minor in Art History
-Started and ended a relationship with a good guy
-Realized how much I love my family and friends
-Got in a wreck and then got a new car
-Made some great new friends
-Became even closer to old friends

So, there you go, my number 1 blog entry. More to come...........

Annabelle