Do you ever wonder what you're doing? And I don't mean like when you walk into a room and forget what you were doing in that moment; I mean when you suddenly ask yourself, "What am I doing with my life?"
I asked myself that question today. As I was wiping off a counter at work like I've done so many times before, I kept thinking, "What am doing?" I know I live in Oklahoma and I go to school and work and thats about it, but sometimes I still can't believe I'm here. And even more, that I actually have goals for my life now. Before it seemed like I was just along for the ride and now I actually something to look forward to.
I think some of this stems from the fact that I've been thinking about marriage and relationships and things of that nature lately. Recently I went to my younger cousins bridal shower. It made me think about all the other people I went to school with, whether it was in high school or college, and how we're all at that age where one would typically graduate college and get married, start a career and possibly a family. And it seems like I'm the only one who's not settled down. Sometimes I wonder if this is the way its always going to be. If I'm just going to jump from town to town, maybe state to state, and leave a trail of past relationships behind. For some reason it seems like nothing is good enough for me.
This leads me to believe sometimes that I have "illusions of granduer". I've always been that way though, and I think its just something I'll always have to deal with. Although sometimes I do wish I had someone else to deal with things with; I want to know that I won't always have to deal with stress, money, friends, or life by myself. I know I won't; I know there's someone out there for everyone, hell maybe even more, but I just have to be patient and thats hard sometimes. I do take pride in my independence and it is nice not to be tied down, I'll just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy it.
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