Snowflakes and Christmas Trees

Ahhh, the first snow of the season. As the radio stations have been playing Christmas music already, it seemed wrong without snow. But now its a whole different story.

There's something about snow that is so wonderful. The way it falls, the way it takes the color out of the world around you and makes white such a beautiful statement of mother nature. I don't know what it is, but this season has such a different feel to it than the others. Although its cold outside, it seems to have a warm feeling to it. Maybe its because the winter season brings people together, whether it be just hanging out inside because its too cold to go outside, or the holidays. Its a time of sweaters, earmuffs, snowball fights, and hot chocolate. Here are some of the things I love about winter:

• The natural flush and blush look the cold wind gives my cheeks
• The crunch of the snow under my shoes
• Christmas, of course
• Sitting in the dark, with only the Christmas tree giving off light
• All my family and going home for the holidays

I hope you see some good in this time of the year. Especially when your scraping the ice off your car and cursing because your late. Just take the time watch the snowfall and you'll forget about everything else.

Just another blonde.......

Ok, so last night my roommate got home and we had a very interesting conversation. It seems that she is tired of guys.......and certain types of girls too. We just can't figure out why guys always go for the slutty girls! Ok, duh! I know why, but honestly, what is the deal? Oh, and what is up with all the blonde girls who act like they don't know anything about anything except drinking and fashion. I'm sorry, but I have substance and I'm not about to lower my standards just because everyone else is doing it.

I have another question, are good girls intimidating? Because of the fact that they're not flitting around the bar flirting with every guy, are they scary because maybe thats what you should go after, or just not attractive and boring? I don' t understand!

Beauty is all around us......

I love to surround myself by beautiful things. If I had all the money in the world, I would travel. I would go see the Taj Mahal, Versailles, the Louvre, St. Peters Basilica and all the art and architecture of the world I could possible take in. Being such a visual person, this is why I want to be a designer. I want people to know that they don't have to live with white walls and yucky linoleum floors. Why not have the marble countertops and clawfoot bathtub you always wanted? It's your home, the place you come home to every night. Make it worthwhile.




In my art history class we've been learning a lot about art centered around architecture. I find this so fascinating. These buildings are still standing today and are still some of the most beautiful things on earth. Mosaics like you've never seen, gold, jewels, and the mechanics of it all are just amazing. No modern technology; so yes, it did take many years and tries in some cases, but it was worth it. It makes me wonder.......what will our children see in the future that will inspire them? I think in the state of the world today people really need to look around and see the beauty in different cultures and those cultures' creations. Art is not created in a vacuum......it goes across the board, overlapping. I'm not saying art can save the world, but I know your eyes can teach you a lot. We just need to stop opening our mouths and start opening our eyes.......stop and look.......take it all in.......

Are we there yet?

Do you ever feel unattractive? Well, maybe not so much unattractive, as unwanted......or are they the same thing? I'm experiencing a mid-semester slump and it seems to be affecting everything. I'm tired all the time, broke, and constantly doing homework. I stay up too late and get up too early and can't keep up. I just feel icky.


There's something about this time of year that makes one want a significant other. My roommate says its because its cold and nobody wants to go outside, so they stay in and "nest". Cute, huh? I agree. Theres just something about cloudy and cold weather that makes you want to cuddle. Well, me and roommate both agree its nice to be single, but its gets old after a while. But I just don't know what to do. I feel like maybe I'm the one who should start initiating things but its hard when you feel fat, and tired and just not attractive. I don't know, maybe I'm too hard on myself. I just have this image of what I want and I don't know how to get it. I know I should wait until the right person comes along, but waiting is hard. Now, I don't want people to think this is like a "oh poor, poor pitiful me" blog entry, but come on.........I don't like to reveal this side of myself to everyone, but I've got to get it out of my system. Until then, I guess I'll just keep waiting..........

“There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed”

Co-in-ci-dence
-noun: a striking occurence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance.

What do you consider a coincidence? I've experienced many coincidences, but some stick out in my mind more than others. I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing, but how do you know whats right and whats not? When do you start seeing a coincidence as a sign and learn from it? Some coincidences repeat themselves....could this be the synonym known as fate?

Two events happening at the same time.....by chance.......or not. I think another way of saying coincidence is wake-up call. And I'm not talking about just runnning into someone at the store you were just thinking of, I'm talking about life-changing events, things that make us change our feelings or outlook on something. When something like this happens its time to look around and listen to what that little voice in the back of your head is saying. I know, its not easy, but we have instincts for a reason. Sometimes an occurence only there by "mere chance" can make us see what wasn't there all along.......or maybe it was, but we just couldn't let it out. This has been on my mind a lot lately. I just can't stand to see a coincidence go bad............

Change is inevitable.....

I have this urge to blog........I need some release. I don't have much to say, just random thoughts.

So the other night I was driving home from Wal-Mart ( I almost hate to admit I shop there) and I started thinking about the lines on the road. Whether yellow, dotted, white, single or double, we are taught to stay in the lines when driving. Isn't it funny how we are taught to stay in the lines throughout our whole lives. Whether its the lines in our coloring books, the lines we form in school so our teacher can keep track of us, the lines on the road or keeping in line by not bothering anyone and being polite........I don't know, maybe I have too much time to think.......

Another thing I realized is the fear of change. I was watching a tv program tonight and there were 4 different people each with a different profession being interviewed. A psychologist, interior designer, surgeon, and a personal trainer. I noticed that the one thing they all had in common was the fact that they deal with people who want to change, but may be afraid to. A psychologist makes you change your mental comfort, an interior designer changes your surrounding comfort, and the surgeon and personal trainer both change your eating comforts and physical comfort. And they all change your outlook and aspects that make up your life. Why are we so afraid of change? Just yesterday someone told me that not all change is bad, but sometimes it's really hard to believe. Then again, is it the fear of change, or the fear of admitting that something's not working and maybe we were wrong that bothers us. Or maybe its admitting that yes, we do have flaws. But how are you to improve your life if you don't know what's wrong? I dont' believe you can..........its simply learning from your mistakes, or maybe not just mistakes. Learning from the good and wanting to keep it that way. Knowing when change is good.....

Delicious Ambiguity......

I'm so confused.........I'm 23 and still boggled by men. You'd think I would have learned a little by now. Ok, I have, but its mostly who to avoid. It seems each new boyfriend I have is better than the last, but somethings always off. Well, now I'm single with no one tying me down, not one person who's on my mind all the time. Maybe a couple, but not seriously. I just don't know what to do.........haven't you ever wanted someone you can't have? I read somewhere that this was actually your soulmate; someone with whom you could never seem to work it out with. I don't know if I believe that. If that was so, are they going to be in your life forever? I thought some of my exes were my soulmates, but seeing as though we don't talk anymore, what does that mean? Lessons learned and shared memories are all you have, they're not soulmates anymore, just distant thoughts in the back of your mind. I don't know, I just wish there was a way.......

Besides that, I'm discovering the discouraging and overwhelming aspect of being a design student. I got my first project back in my interior design class and was very disappointed. Not a good way to start out, but I know in my heart this is what I need and want to do. On the other hand, its amazing how you start to discover new interests in the one your putting so much work into. I'm increasingly beginning to become intriqued by green design and designing to better not only your environment you live in, but the environment we're all surrounded by. Maybe I'm a hopeless tree hugger..........at least thats what I've been told, but I think I just need to get through this semester before I start thinking about anything long term right now. I've learned that planning your life is almost pointless in some ways; something always comes up and you take a different course. Right now I'm just trying to get through the day to day.........

LYLAS

I remember when I met my best friend. Jr. high cheerleading during practice after school. She gave me her phone number and that night I called her. Ten years later, I still remember sitting in the computer chair at my house in the kitchen and talking to her about school, other girls on the squad, and other teenage stuff. She had beautiful blond hair, cupids bow lips and perfect skin; quite the opposite of my braces, thick glasses and dirty brown hair. But soon after that I stayed overnight at her house and we laughed all night and I knew in my heart we would be best friends forever.

The years went by with late nights planning our lives according to our teenage ideals of what our future should be like. We learned a lot, drank a lot, and stayed inseparable. We had a rough patch, but thats just life.

Luckily, last summer we became even closer by shared crises in our lives. We reconnected with pain, but now find comfort in our relationship. We don't not have to be inseparable like we once were, but are not afraid of distance bacause we know we have a bond like none other.

Recently, my best friend found out she has some problems that may not go away. It amazing how people can be brought together by bad news - I suppose its the good that comes from the bad. If not for our problems we experienced in the past year, we may not be as close as we are now. We would still feel that rough patch. Now I can say we're going through another rough time, but we are doing it together and I'll be with her all the way. I can't pass her notes in the hall anymore or have lunch with her everyday like we used to, but I can support her and love her.......what else are friends for?

Huggin' trees

So I've been laying in bed listening to the rain fall and I started thinking........thinking about nature, the Earth, and the way we as a society live our lives on the Earth. Now, I know the planet isn't shrinking, but the human race is getting larger and there's only so much room to go around. In fact, it seems like everywhere you go there's land being bought and sold, built on, drilled into, and everything else you can imagine. I mean, I hate to be all Jonie Mitchell, but they really did "pave paradise and put up a parking lot." Everywhere!

Okay, so where am I going with this? I know I might be exaggerating a little bit, but something has to be done about the evironment and how we're living in it. Even Al Gore made a documentary about it; okay more specifically, Global Warming. I know the car companies are coming out with the hybrids, and I must admit that I wouldn't mind having one, but what about all the rainforests that go down everyday and the smog, pollution, and even our waste? What are we going to do when we wake up and see the Earth wasted away?

Now, I don't think this is going to happen anytime soon, but with the knowledge we have of the world today (which is more than the days of the Industrial Revolution, which didn't make matters any better), we need to realize now, more than ever, that things need to change. I know some people out there are already trying to help, but not everyone. We need to focus on the big picture - the future. What will happen 20, 30, 100 years from now, I don't know, but judging by the state of things, its hard to have a sunny outlook. Will the fossil fuel supply be gone, will the polar ice caps melt, is this all make believe? I don't know, but get your recycling bins out, we have work to do!

The meaning of life..........

Do you ever wonder what you're doing? And I don't mean like when you walk into a room and forget what you were doing in that moment; I mean when you suddenly ask yourself, "What am I doing with my life?"

I asked myself that question today. As I was wiping off a counter at work like I've done so many times before, I kept thinking, "What am doing?" I know I live in Oklahoma and I go to school and work and thats about it, but sometimes I still can't believe I'm here. And even more, that I actually have goals for my life now. Before it seemed like I was just along for the ride and now I actually something to look forward to.

I think some of this stems from the fact that I've been thinking about marriage and relationships and things of that nature lately. Recently I went to my younger cousins bridal shower. It made me think about all the other people I went to school with, whether it was in high school or college, and how we're all at that age where one would typically graduate college and get married, start a career and possibly a family. And it seems like I'm the only one who's not settled down. Sometimes I wonder if this is the way its always going to be. If I'm just going to jump from town to town, maybe state to state, and leave a trail of past relationships behind. For some reason it seems like nothing is good enough for me.

This leads me to believe sometimes that I have "illusions of granduer". I've always been that way though, and I think its just something I'll always have to deal with. Although sometimes I do wish I had someone else to deal with things with; I want to know that I won't always have to deal with stress, money, friends, or life by myself. I know I won't; I know there's someone out there for everyone, hell maybe even more, but I just have to be patient and thats hard sometimes. I do take pride in my independence and it is nice not to be tied down, I'll just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy it.

Ok, so I think I just met the 2nd most arrogant man I've ever known in my life. It just makes me so flabbergasted that people can actually think that they can get whatever they want because thats what they've always known and then the second they get turned down, its just the end of the world. And I've been thinking about this a lot lately in the way of relationships. I keep hearing my friends (guys and gals) tell me about a significant other and how they can't stand something they're doing, yet they put up with it. What is it that makes us so tolerant of this behavior? Is it love? No, I believe a big part of it is insecurity, lack of self; however you want to put it, it's losing yourself for another person and its not good.

Now, I like to think that I've moved on from this sort of behavior, but I know I can have moments of weakness, just like everyone else. But, instead of going deeper into my lack of self confidence and wallowing in my mistakes, I own them, make them my own, and most importantly, try to learn from them. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I think a person can grow more from admitting their flaws than trying to hide them. Embrace the fact that you screwed up and you'll be a much better person in the end. I'm still working on it, but I feel that its an important aspect of my life. I now feel more comfortable and more confident with my values that I'm more willing and able to stand up for myself. And I believe that if we all listened to ourselves a little more and stopped getting lost in others we could all benefit. Try it, you might like it ;)

Summer Lovin'

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while. I feel like I don't really have a lot to say, but I'm sure I could think of something.

This summer has been pretty uneventful so far. I just work and sit at home and eat oreos and milk. Which, has made me decide to never buy oreos again. I have thought about getting another job so I can save more money, but then again, its really hard to find the motivation to get another job when you already have one. So since thats about it, I'll just leave you with the highlights of my summer so far.

1. My ex came up from Mexico to visit me. It was a complete surprise and totally threw off some of my plans, but it was the best week I've had so far.
2. I got a couch!
3. My cousin asked me to sing in her wedding. (So I am taking suggestions.)
4. I went to a country music festival with my mom....I know this doesn't sound cool, but living far away, I appreciate any moment spent with my family more than I used to.
5. I got a pretty cool new cd - KT Tunstall, Eye to the Telescope
6. Last but not least, I made an awesome pizza today

So, thats pretty it for now. Until next time......

Bored in the library......

So much to say, so little time.......I'll try to make this short.

My good friend and ex left me in Oklahoma. He moved to Mexico. It's made me miss him more than I thought I would. He was the one person here who knew me inside and out. Almost too well. And I depended on him a lot; after all, he'd been living here longer than I have. He could tell me how to get anywhere, where to go, and then what to do when I got there. Its just amazing how people can impact you and you don't realize it until long after its happened. The old cliche is true; sometimes you really don't miss someone until they're gone.

Besides that I've been on a couple dates. They didn't work out. Sometimes I think my standards are too high and then I think "Wait a minute, is it really to much to ask that a guy has goals, ambitions, culture, a nice wardrobe, and a plan (not just in life, but for our date)." No, its not! I just have to find that guy......somewhere. Someone once told me that there's no point in dating and having a realationship with someone if your not going to marry them. I used to think that was stupid, but now I understand. I know on the first date if its going to work or not. I'm just tired of wasting my time and I don't intend to do it anymore.

Good news......Only one more week of school left! But its all finals. I have to really buckle down and study for these. We'll see how it goes. Then I'm free for 3 months to work, work, work.......
I finished my self portrait. It surprisingly turned out better than expected. I did a narrative about how I stepped away from music and now am studying design......its all good!

Well, its been a while since I've posted. I moved. Its ok, I mean, what can you really expect when your a college student. The guy below me thinks he has to listen to his music so loud that it shakes my apartment, but I'm never home, so hopefully it won't be that bad of a problem. I also learned that I have way too much stuff. I can't believe one person can own so much and then it seems like I never have enough sometimes.

Spring break was good. I ended up with 5 days off of work so I got to stay in Kansas a little longer than I planned. It was nice.

Other than that, not a lot is going on. I've been going out more on the weekends with friends and I have to do a self portrait for my drawing class. I'm not looking forward to that. I can't even draw other peoples faces, let alone my own. But I just keep telling myself, only four more weeks.......

Lighten up.....

I hate stress......I have so much going on, I can't even sleep at night. I've had two break downs at work......people just don't understand. It just makes me want to tell people to lighten up. Don't be so rude, I'm doing the best I can. Honestly, if it makes you that upset........

I'm moving in about two weeks and I haven't even started packing. I'm not really that excited to move, actually. Its a smaller apartment, I don't know what to expect, except for cheaper rent. Hopefully it will be worth it.

I've never looked forward to spring break so much in my life. I'm going home for 3 days - not enough I think. I'm ready to see my family........I don't feel homesick, I feel familiar sick. I know its strange, but I miss the familiar. Home, my parents, and my neice and nepehew. It can get hard to put yourself in the midst of strangers everyday....especially when you've been as stressed and worn thin like I have over the past two weeks. I just need to get it all out of my system. Go for a canoe ride, go shopping with my mom, have dinner with my best friend.........maybe it won't solve all my problems, but hopefully I'll forget about them for a while. We'll see.....

Familiar places & faces.......

I have so many things on my mind right now, I don't even know where to start......

This past weekend I went to Manhattan, KS to visit some of my friends. It was really fun and I was really happy to see them; and although I was a little disappointed by some things that I didn't get to do, it was still the most fun I've had in a while. It made me think about coming back to familiar places. Before I went to Manhattan, I stopped at my parents house in my hometown. It was so amazing to me how after all the years of not living there, every time I drive into town, its almost as if I never left. It's so familiar and still the same......it's the place I wanted to get away from for so long, but I've realized that as many times as I've moved and ventured into the unknown, its nice to know that there's a place you can always go back to and you know it so well, its almost comforting.

Today I finally figured out a recurring dream I've been having......well, actually, a recurring character in a few dreams that I've had. An old friend that I just happen to run into. While it is this certain person, I've come to the conclusion that its actually about someone else I've been thinking about a lot lately. Some people come into your life and you make such a connection that you can hardly contain it. But, for some reason there's always something holding onto that connection and it won't let get past a certain point. I knew it probably wasn't healthy for me to hold onto this person, so we let each other go, but I can't help but wonder.........
I don't know, maybe now that I think I have it figured out, I won't dream about it anymore, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Untitled

Last month I had my 23rd birthday. That means that I've had 23 years of events, learning, interactions, and memories that make up who I am today. Some obvious, some not; but whether I want to remember it all, its still there. So, why is it that after all these years, I'm just now seeing myself and understanding who I am? Why am I just now falling into step with the rhythm of my being?

I don't know for sure, but I have some ideas. I think one problem for me was always worrying what others thought about me. In more ways than one. I majored in music because thats what was expected of me, I always longed to fit in with the "cool kids" in high school, and I've always been that girl that said "Oh, he'll change" when involved with a guy, not knowing that they never do; it was me that had to change. I had to stop taking care of them, and start caring for me. But in my struggle to fit in, I always felt like a stranger - the different one. I've always thought about others first, telling myself, "I'll figure it out later".

Well, I've finally figured it out. So, I've stopped studying music, stopped looking for guys to change, and stopped trying to fit in. This lead me to move to Oklahoma to finish school with a degree in interior design and I think its one of the best decisions I've made in a while. And I only took myself into consideration. I feel like now I can stand on my own two feet and realized my passion for interior design. Why deprive yourself of what you were made to do? I followed my heart and thats the best way of knowing - following you heart, your first instinct. I took a big risk and here I am............where are you?

Relationships: "On the surface" or deeper?

Lately I've thinking a lot about relationships. I find it amazing how many people can come into your life and change things, mix it up, and then either leave or stay, or just kind of put themselve into the fading of the background. One thing that amazes me is break ups. You spend so much time with one person, sharing things so intimate that its as if they see you naked; not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But then for some reason, you or your significant other, decide to put the clothes back on and leave. I'm a big believer of no contact after a break up. Its just easier that way, but its so strange that one day you can be so attached to someone and then the next its like you don't know each other and maybe you never even knew each other at all.

Another aspect of relationships I've been thinking about is almost the opposite of the above. I wait tables and I have three regular customers who know me by name, I know them by name and we talk about our lives. One of them is a gentleman who I know will come in between four and five on Tuesday and when he gets there, he'll get change for a dollar and sit in a corner booth and read the paper. Now, even though I know what he'll order, I'll still go ask and chat and get the scoop on what movies he's seen lately and what interesting things he's been reading in the paper and anything else that seems relevant at the time. I'll tell him about school, my car, just little bits of information. Its a very "on the surface" relationship. Not digging to deep, not to far into each others lives, but still having the comfortability and reassurance that when he sits down we can both count on each other. And while it still is just on the surface, I know that these little interactions and relationships are just as important as the big ones. Regardless the size or intimacy of a relationship, as long as its positive, human interaction can be one of the simplest (and maybe a little bit complex) forms of sanity.......think of who you appreciate and let them know. Hopefully, you won't take things for granted because you never know.............

Ahhhh, love.......

So, today is Valentines Day. It seems like such a selective holiday sometimes. Only out there for people with other people to love and spend time with, which is often misconcieved as just a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband, wife. This doesn't leave much to the single people like me, and usually I'm down on this day if I don't have anyone to spend it with. But then I realized that its not just for lovers.......its for mothers, fathers, your friends, anyone. Why not let everyone know how much you appreciate them. And last, but not least, the person I care about the most this year is me. My dear friend Chad once told me that I am one of those people that has to constantly be in a relationship. Always dependent on someone, never wanting to be lonely. I never thought this was true until I really started thinking about it and trying to come up with all the times I've been really, truly single over the past few years and I couldn't come up with much. This year its different. Me and my boyfriend just broke up, I work all the time, I go to school and I don't really have time for someone else - just me. Its really great to realize that I can stand on my own and I learn new things about myself everyday; some good, some bad, but its me and no one can change that. So, this year, I'm not going to pout becuase no ones taking me out or buying me a gift of love; I'm realizing that though it all, I'm the best Valentine I'll ever have.

Annabelle

Number 1

By inspiration from certain friends of mine, I have finally started a blog. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while.....it seems I have so much on my mind and I have no place to put it sometimes. For now I just want to get everyone up to speed on my life.

In the past 6 months I have:
-Moved to Oklahoma
-Discovered my independence while living alone in an unfamiliar place
-Lost one my very best friends
-Forgave myself
-Started school again knowing that its what I need and want to do
-Decided to minor in Art History
-Started and ended a relationship with a good guy
-Realized how much I love my family and friends
-Got in a wreck and then got a new car
-Made some great new friends
-Became even closer to old friends

So, there you go, my number 1 blog entry. More to come...........

Annabelle