Sleepwalk......

So it's come to this......

Well, I have so much to say, but I've been processing so much in my brain, I'm almost too impatient to even write it down. The past 6 or so months have been very hard and interesting for me. Self-doubt, turning 25, living with my boyfriend, deciding not to live with my boyfriend, and the list goes on and on.....

My family came to visit me last weekend. It's getting harder and harder to be away from them every day. My neice and nephew are getting older and my brother and I don't talk as much as I would like. And with my parents getting older its hard, too. I worry about my dad more than anyone. Being daddys little girl, I can't help it. He's my dad, my hero.

Lately I've been listening to a song and the first line says, "There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week." How appropriate. I've been very held back in things I want and want to say this week. It's hard when your somewhere completely different mentally than you are physically. I feel like I'm out in space, just going over and over things in my head-conflicts, questions, doubts......Am I making this too difficult? Probalby, I always do.

With that said, I've said enough.

It's been too long, dear friend.......

Wow, its been awhile. I've missed my blog.......

I feel that I have nothing to blog about. But then I start thinking........lately I've been fascinated by the idea of growing up. The other day my friend called me and told me she had lung cancer. Yeah, so is this part of the whole becoming an adult thing? Realizing that people aren't going to be around forever. Scary, but true.

Anyway, I recently got back together with my ex. Not what I expected, but I'm trying. Trying to realize that what I think want is not necessarily what I need; and that I was too quick to judge the first time around. It is nice to be with someone that doesn't leave you in their shadow to always wonder if you can get a commitment out of them. Or to just give you the respect you deserve. But then again it does scare me. To know that something might actually work out and I might have to settle down. Oh no! You know, I never planned on getting married till I'm 27. Seems odd I know, but I figured it gave me time to work and establish a career (if I had stayed on track with school) and then a couple years alone with my husband before I had children at 30. Nice plan, but nothing ever turns out the way you want it to and now I don't even really want kids. I know, freak of nature, a woman who doesn't want children. But I think it has more to do with where I'm at in my life right now. I'm not even finished school and I don't know, I have a niece and nephew, thats enough for me. But not for my mom.........

I've been thinking about trying yoga. I even bought a yoga workout video today. Woo hoo......doing anything athletic has never been one of my strong suits, but I'm noticing I can't eat whatever I want anymore. It takes my slower to burn than it used to. Bummer.....

Change is Inevitable

Oh, how things change......isn't change a strange thing? No, its not, but why is it so hard for us to do? I've always prided myself in being someone who was somewhat flexible with change, but right now I'm having a hard time. I just started a new job and I'm moving. Completely changing my comfort zones. It's almost as if I'm starting a new chapter in my life. And on top of that, my ex came to town over the weekend. It was nice, and seemed to be freakishly planned by some higher power. You see, now that I'm changing everything, I was yearning for something familiar. Which just happened to be him. Someone I could just pick up with where we left off, like he was never gone. Its nice, but confusing too. We aren't together becuase it just wasn't there, you know, being in love.....spending a lifetime together....all that, but then again; how can I say I shouldn't be with him if I can be hundreds of miles away from him and not talk to him and then feel like he never left when I do see him again. Its so strange how that works. I guess its almost a connection that can't be defined.

In other news, I went on a date about two weeks ago. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but it was a very good learning experience for me. With school and work, I don't really have time to put myself out there and take some initiative, but with this I did. It was fun, but not enough. It was nice though to realize that there are smart people out there that I can possibly be attracted to and can find me attractive as well. Sometimes its hard in a place where you don't really know a lot of people to find people you want to be surrounded by, but I think I've done ok so far.

So now I'm just continuing to make it through school, thankfully theres only two weeks of classes left and then finals. Hopefully I'll find a place to live soon, if not, maybe I'll go rugged and live in my car........wish me luck!

Blindsighted.......

Have you ever had a friend pull the wool over your eyes? Or at least try to? And if they did, when did you decide to still be their friend or to leave them behind? I'm experiencing this right now. My friend was very secretive about a situation she was in, and while I knew she wasn't being honest with me, I still stuck by her side and gave her the benefit of the doubt. But it seems she just can't swallow her pride long enough to realize. That and the fact that I know she's embarassed about the whole thing. And she wasn't the only one involved. There was a second party who was not as innocent as they make themselves out to be and they were actually both in the wrong....but how do you reach out and still not get too involved? I guess I just feel that I'm above this. I know it sounds conceited, but, c'mon; I'm not in high school anymore. I feel like I have enough problems of my own and I have more important things to worry about. I've tried to talk to this girl, but I'm still not getting anywhere. Isn't it strange how people act. I've know this person for over a year and I feel like I don't know her as well as I thought I did. It just makes me think of the degrees of friendship. You know, the acquintance, the work only friend, the school-only friend, your circle of friends, and your best friend. I guess I just thought that I knew her, but then again, I do know her and knew she would react to the situation the way she did and thats why I can separate myself from it....becuase I can't change whats been done, just like she can't and nobody else can.

Lately I've been thinking about environments. Environments (or maybe surroudings) that people put themselves in. I just really believe that one of the problems with people is that they don't place themselves in good environments. I work with some people that I hung out with the other night and after I left, I was told that they were doing some stuff that I don't particularly approve of. And it just made me think......Why do people get themselves in these situations? Speaking from experience, I know I did it becuase of insecurity and on the other hand, security. I've felt insecure and thought I had nothing to lose and couldn't do any better; or thought I was a better or cooler because of the people I was around, but its not true. Because now that I feel more secure with myself, I know I don't have to be around things and people I don't want to. No one can make you feel better about yourself except yourself. Its cliche I know, but honestly, if you want a better life, go get it. And if people are bringing you down, don't keep placing yourself among those people.

On a lighter note, now that I've finally made an advancement in technology, I'm totally into my ipod. Its so wonderful to have music right there with you all the time and then to have so much access to it. So with that, I recently bought the John Mayer album, Continuum, and its wonderful. Its amazing how music can be so relateable. I just love it............

Waitin', wishin', hopin'.....

I feel alienated. Lately, I've noticed that I have a very small social life. I just see my roommate going out and having fun and I'm stuck at home doing homework. Granted my roommate doesn't go to school so she doesn't have that responsibility, but its just really hard. I know this is what I want-to get an education, that is-but at what cost. Its not too bad, I do go out and have a good time, but sometimes I just feel so out of the loop.

Other than that, I've had a lot on my mind. I've just felt overwhelmed lately. I try not to let people or things get to me, but everything has just sucked lately. I feel like work is becoming a joke and school is just too hard, and nobody understands. And to top it all off, I found out that one my friends is having a hard time with life themselves and I just don't know what to do. I can't solve everyones problems and one part of me is feeling, "Why do I burden myself with other peoples problems?" and then I realize that I'm not that selfish and I do want to help. I don't know, I've just been in a funk lately. I know it will pass, I just have to give it time. Its the waiting thats so hard. And will it really be worth it in the end?????

AutoCAD and Okies

Today I had a good opportunity that I'm very glad I got to participate in. Currently, the association that used to be FIDER, and is now CIDA, is visiting UCO. Seeing as though schools have to be accredited by this association for their design programs, I was thrilled to talk to them, because obviously it's a big deal that they're there. Some of my work was selected to be shown, as well as other students', so it was even better to know that I was one of seven that was chosen to speak with them and give them any input and answers on our program. While I am only as far in as a freshman, maybe beginning sophomore, I couldn't answer some questions, but its just nice to be surrounded by people who know where your coming from and and understand your situation. It can be a little overwhelming sometimes, but this was very encouraging to me and I'm realizing everyday how much I love design.....now if I could only get through AutoCAD......

So, today was also my birthday. I don't know about anyone else, but my birthdays have been getting less and less exciting as I go. I had a party on Saturday night and it was fun, but seeing as though my birthday was actually today, it was pretty uneventful. I was at school all day and I did get some birthday wishes from some people, but its just not the same. But while I am wary of 25, I do look forward to maturing even more and growing up. I used to think that I never wanted to get older and have responsibilities, but honestly, this is much easier that being a teenager. I would never go back to those days, and although I am inching closer to my mid-20's, I think if I could be stuck at any age it would be 25. Maybe I'll change my mind after 25 comes and goes and my life progresses, but for now I'll just keep telling myself not to worry.

In other news, I'm officially an Okie now. Ughhh, I hate saying that, but I only say it because I now officially own an Oklahoma license. And I came home and looked around for my old, Kansas license and they kept it. Kind of makes me sad.......a piece of home that I don't have anymore. But its ok, progress comes in many forms..........this is only a small example, so I think I'll survive......

Blah, blah....

So, I've been wanting to write for a while now. I just didn't know what I wanted to write about. Lately I've been involved with someone. I fell hard and made a simple mistake and now I don't think its going to work out. And it just amazes me, because in the back of my mind I keep telling myself I can do better, but I just can't help it. It seems that I find a guy with a few qualities I like and one that just sends me over the edge, but I can't find anyone with the "total package". I know I shouldn't be too worried about this involvement because this guy has committment issues anyway and it probably wouldn't have worked out........but then again it could have. All I know is that I enjoyed spending time with him and he made me laugh so much and I can't help but like him. I don't know whats going to happen; probably nothing and I'll just have to get over it.

Other than that, I haven't really got much to say. I'm going to classes and working and going home. With the occassional karaoke thrown in there. I have been thinking about furthur studying interior design in the future and specializing in kitchen and bath design. I'll have to finish school first and work in the field I think before I make any decisions though. It just seems more challenging and fulfilling to me I guess.

Thats it for now, until next time. Till then I'm just gonna keep on, keepin' on.